2005-08-25T09:24:00.000-04:00

My friend Brendan recently wrote in his blog now that summer is coming to an end and the major activities in his life are slowing, he would have less to write about and therefore might not be writing as often. He noted he doesn't want to be one of those bloggers who writes about nothing. He makes an excellent point. Unlike myself, Brendan is very active and social. He's in a band, he lives and works in the city, he has a million friends, and he always has some project in the making. I'm jealous of his energy and talent. My point for divulging this to you is to let you know since I'm not in a band (consider this a blessing), I don't work or live in the city, and I'm an introvert and a bit of a couch potato, I cannot promise you exciting entries everyday. Chances are I will be writing about nothing on a daily (if you're lucky) basis.

My wonderful husband set this whole blog thing up for me about a month-and-a-half ago, but my first entry was yesterday. I was really busy at work at the beginning of last month so I couldn't write. After that, I just procrastinated. One of my favorite ways to procrastinate is to google people with whom I graduated high school and college. I found out one friend who was a champion bowler in high school and had a passion for Native American studies, opened a bowling alley on Route 66 in Arizona. My brilliant lab partner in 9th grade biology graduated from Brown in three years, went to John Hopkins Med and is now a sought after doctor. I guess the funniest thing I discovered was about the number one graduate in our high school class (actually there were three number ones). This particular guy graduated Summa Cum Laude from Princeton University and the California Institute of Technology with a degree in Mechanical & Aerospace Engineering and Aeronautics. In short, he's a rocket scientist. But his story doesn't end there. After an M.Div. and an M.A. in Systematic Theology from Seton Hall, he was ordained a priest and is currently residing in NJ not far from where we grew up. He was always a bit of an odd duck...for instance I remember talking to him once during gym class telling me all about pipe organs in churches across the US (this was the type of thing you talked about with him, not whether he was going to the prom or some other frivolous matter). Apparently he is also a sought after composer. There is a picture of him on one particular website and he looks exactly the same. He's not a bad looking guy, but his mannerisms, the way he dressed, his conversations, all made him seem so asexual. Therefore it's fitting in the end he leaned toward becoming a priest.

What made me stop googling and start writing was when I finally googled a guy in college that I use to stalk. Yes, I admit it. I was a stalker. I was lonely and depressed my freshman year and this guy and his best friend befriended me and I totally went psycho girl on them. Anyway, I came across a website he created. He was a physics major at Bucknell and went on to get his Masters' and Doctorate. This didn't come as a surprise to me but as I read on I found out he was also now big into acting. Apparently when he was at his parents' house taking a break from passing some major exam, he picked up Shakespeare's Hamlet and began to read it. He then began reading any play he could get his hands and even took a playwriting class. From there he started acting. Let's back up...a physicist reading Hamlet and Thorton Wilder and dabbling in drama? No, I don't think so. Who the hell does this guy think he is? These things belong to me. I was the one who read all of Shakespeare's plays and sonnets in college. I was the one who read Thorton Wilder's Our Town twice and cried during a school production. I'm the drama queen who stalked you our freshman year pretending to be drunker than I was, pretending to have lost my keys and claiming I had to stay in your room, crying and hugging you spilling my inner most sadness (now that's drama!).

Logically of course, my former stalkee is more than entitled to do anything he wants and more power to him for branching out beyond his comfort zone. I applaud him my for expanding his horizons. What he did make me realize is I should do a little more venturing myself, not only outside my comfort zone, but also in my own territory.

It feels good to be writing again.

Destined for Mediocrity?

2005-08-24T09:47:00.000-04:00

I once felt I was destined for something great. Maybe because my dad told me I was eons brighter than the average person (I don't think I'm eons brighter but I do believe I'm smarter than the average Joe) or maybe because my mom told me I had so many gifts (I obviously have very supportive parents). But sometime after high school, I lost my drive.

I can actually pinpoint the exact moment I lost my ambition. It was a Thursday night my Freshman year at Bucknell University and I had just finished my first two days of classes. It was 8:00 and I had about four hours of homework ahead of me. No big deal. I was use to this kind of work load having gone to a ridiculously competitive high school in NJ. I was taking my books out of my belgua sized back pack when the reality of my situtation hit me like a tsunami. How the hell was I going to do this academic excellence thing for another four years? I had busted my ass for four years in high school, studying until the wee hours of the morning, waking up at the crack of dawn to finish papers, spending Saturdays at the library researching. I once stayed up for 47 hours straight writing my junior term paper on Coney Island. But the thought of potentially doing this level and intensity of work for another four years was just overwhelming, paralyzing, despite the fact I was use to it. I was petrified at my realization especially since I had worked since kindergarden to prepare for college (I remember being six years old and organizing my desk drawers, thinking about which desk supplies would be and wouldn't be necessary for me to take to college) and also since my parents were dishing out several grand for me to be here. But what was worse than my fear was my apathy. I just didn't care about being the best anymore. I could literally feel my ambition ebbing out of me. And right there and then, I settled for mediocrity. As you can gather, this was not the revelation I was hoping to have two days into my Freshman year of college. Perhaps this is why I hated Bucknell. Or perhpas I hated it because I was fat virgin with an afro.

Academically, I did well at Bucknell, nothing outstanding. I did very well in my major (English) and exceedingly well in my concentration (Poetry). However, being a good poet isn't the most practical skill to transfer over into the real world. I tried my hand at editing textbooks at Houghton Mifflin in their college division. I was an average editor at best having only but a few shining moments for which I was rewarded with crappy pay. Since I needed to eat and pay the rent, I switched over to the world of finance which suprisingly was a much better fit for me. I've had much more success in this field, but still, compared to my peers who I graduated high school and college with, I feel like I missed the boat on what it takes to succeed in your career. I keep asking myself did I miss the lecture on success after high school? And how sad is it to think that I peaked in high school (and I don't even mean this in a social sense...I put my whole personality on hold to get good grades which makes my situation doubly depressing).

But friends and family, there is a silver lining. This lining is well, my friends and family. I have incredible parents, brothers, and in-laws. Though I'm not a social butterfuly by any means nor Susie Sunshine (more like Morbid Mary), I have been successful at surrounding myself with wonderful, interesting people who I'm proud to call friends. Most of all, I'm proud and lucky to have the best husband ever to exist on the planet. Jim is in one word, remarkable. He's patient, repectful, silly, an excellent omlet maker, and has a great sense of direction (literally, you can drop him in the middle of nowhere and he'll find his way out). So in a nut shell, though my career is somewhat mediocre, my personal life and my current hair status and weight loss (but these are entries for another time) exceed my expectations. More to come.

I Can't Smell Skunks

Destined for Mediocrity?